Wanting friends and finding friendship hard can both be true.
Many autistic, ADHD and AuDHD adults tell us they’d love closer friendships, but making friends feels like a game with hidden rules, and keeping them feels like one more thing to remember. If that’s you, nothing is wrong with you. Your brain connects in its own way, and friendships can be built around that.
This guide covers how to make new friends, keep in touch, and keep friendships going over time, with separate sections for autistic, ADHD and AuDHD people. Read the one that fits, or all three.
At a glance
- Social difficulties between neurotypes go both ways. Many neurodivergent people connect most easily with other neurodivergent people.
- Friendships grow through time spent together. Shared interests and regular activities do a lot of the work.
- Autistic people often do best with clear, predictable, interest-based connection. ADHDers often do best with reminders, routines and low-pressure check-ins.
- If you’re AuDHD, you may need both, and that’s OK.
First, the big picture
- It’s a two-way street. The “double empathy problem” describes how misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people go both ways. It’s not that one side lacks social skills.[1]
- Your people may be neurodivergent too. In one study, rapport was higher between people of the same neurotype than in mixed pairs.[2] Autistic adults have described feeling more comfortable, better understood and more able to be themselves with other autistic people.[3]
- Acceptance matters. A 2026 review of research with autistic and ADHD men and boys found that stigma and lack of acceptance and lack of acceptance as barriers to social connection.[4] Look for people and places where you don’t have to mask.
- Friendship takes time. One study estimated it takes about 50 hours together to become casual friends, about 90 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends.[5] If it feels slow, that’s normal.
Autistic
Friendship tips if you’re autistic
Making new friends
- Start with your interests. Clubs, classes, gaming, trivia, volunteering or online communities built around something you love give you something to talk about and a reason to keep coming back.
- Choose structured settings. An activity with a clear purpose and end time is often easier than open-ended parties or small talk.
- Look for autistic-led spaces. Groups run by and for autistic people can be a relief. You may not have to explain yourself at all.
Keeping in touch
- Agree on how you like to talk. Text, voice notes, calls or catch-ups. It’s OK to say “I’m much better over text.”
- Make it regular. A standing plan, like games every second Friday, removes the stress of organising.
- Side-by-side counts. Watching a show, gaming, walking or doing your own thing in the same room is real connection.
- Sharing your interests is a gift. Telling a friend all about something you love is a way of connecting. You can also ask theirs.
Keeping it going
- Be direct about what you need. “I need to leave by 9” or “Busy cafés are hard for me, can we meet at the park?”
- Plan recovery time. Even good social time can be tiring. Build in quiet time afterwards, and let friends know it’s not about them.
- Quality over quantity. One or two friends who accept you as you are is a good outcome.
- Check, don’t guess. If a message feels unclear, it’s OK to ask: “Did you mean you’re annoyed, or just busy?”
ADHD
Friendship tips if you’re ADHD
Many ADHDers are warm, fun and generous friends. The hard parts are often about attention, time and memory, not about caring. Things like interrupting or blurting out are part of how ADHD is described,[6] and many people describe a pattern of “out of sight, out of mind”.
Making new friends
- Go where things are happening. Activity-based settings like sport, dance, art classes or volunteering suit busy brains better than sitting and talking.
- Repeat the same place. Friendships grow from seeing the same people again and again. Pick one or two regular things rather than lots of one-offs.
- Pace the excitement. Hyperfocus on a new friend can feel amazing. Try to keep a steady rhythm, so it doesn’t burn bright and then fade.
Keeping in touch
- Put friends in your calendar. Recurring reminders to message, and birthdays saved with an alert, do the remembering for you.
- Low-effort check-ins count. A meme, a photo or “this made me think of you” keeps a friendship warm.
- Book the next catch-up before you leave. It saves the back-and-forth later.
- Try body doubling. Doing chores, study or admin together on a call is productive and social.
Keeping it going
- Repair quickly and honestly. “Sorry I went quiet. My brain lost track, not because I don’t care.” Most friends appreciate this.
- Own the interrupting, kindly. “Sorry, I got excited and jumped in. Keep going.” Some people jot a quick note so they don’t lose their thought.
- Watch for rejection sensitivity. A slow reply doesn’t always mean someone’s upset with you. Read more about rejection sensitivity.
- Find friends who like your energy. The right people enjoy your spontaneity and humour.
AuDHD
Friendship tips if you’re AuDHD
Being both autistic and ADHD (AuDHD) is common. A large review estimated about 28% of autistic people also have an ADHD diagnosis.[7] Many AuDHD people describe a push-pull: craving people, novelty and fun, but also needing predictability, quiet and lots of recovery time. Friendships work best when they make room for both.
Making new friends
- Interest-based and active. Groups that combine a special interest with something to do, like a climbing club, maker space or board game café, can meet both needs.
- Small and one-to-one. One friend at a time is often easier than big groups.
- Neurodivergent communities. Many AuDHD people find their easiest friendships with other neurodivergent people.
Keeping in touch
- Routine with room to move. A regular catch-up, with permission to swap the activity or reschedule when needed.
- Use reminders and preferences. Calendar alerts help you remember. Clear agreements, like “text first, don’t call”, help you feel safe.
- Budget your energy. Plan social time for when you have the most energy, and protect your recovery time.
Keeping it going
- Explain your pattern. “Sometimes I’ll be really chatty, and sometimes I go quiet for a week. It’s not about you.”
- Notice burnout early. If socialising suddenly feels impossible, you may need rest rather than more effort.
- Be yourself with safe people. Unmasking with people who get you is restful, and it’s how deeper friendships grow.
Read more about being AuDHD.
Scripts you can borrow
- “I’m much better over text than phone calls.”
- “I’d love to catch up, but I’m low on energy this week. Could we do a walk next Saturday?”
- “I’m neurodivergent, so if I seem quiet or go off on a tangent, I’m still enjoying myself.”
- “Sorry I’ve been slow to reply. I think about you more than my messages show!”
- “Want to come to trivia with us? Same time every Tuesday.”
Common questions
Is it OK to have only one or two friends?
Yes. What matters most is how supported and understood you feel, not how many friends you have. Some people are happiest with a small circle.
Should I tell new friends I’m neurodivergent?
That’s your choice, and there’s no rush. Some people share early, others share later or just explain what helps them. It’s worth sharing with people who’ve shown they’re kind and safe.
Do online friendships count?
Yes. Many neurodivergent people find online friendships easier, because there’s more time to think and less sensory load. They can be just as meaningful.
I keep losing friends. What can I do?
It may help to look for patterns with a psychologist, such as burning out, losing touch, or being drawn to people who don’t treat you well. Our post on healthy friendships may also help.
What about neurodivergent children and teens?
Many of these ideas also work for young people, especially interest-based groups and regular, structured activities. Our children and teens team can help.
Keep reading
Friendship doesn’t have to feel like guesswork
We help autistic, ADHD and AuDHD people understand how they connect, unmask safely and build friendships that fit. We offer neuro-affirming therapy in Wahroonga and by telehealth. Book online, call us, or start with a free 15-minute chat.
(02) 9037 3509Suite 4 & 5, 5 Redleaf Avenue, Wahroonga NSW 2076. Telehealth Australia-wide. Psychcare is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Sources
- Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
- Crompton, C. J., Sharp, M., Axbey, H., Fletcher-Watson, S., Flynn, E. G., & Ropar, D. (2020). Neurotype-matching, but not being autistic, influences self and observer ratings of interpersonal rapport. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, 586171.
- Crompton, C. J., Hallett, S., Ropar, D., Flynn, E., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). “I never realised everybody felt as happy as I do when I am around autistic people”: A thematic analysis of autistic adults’ relationships with autistic and neurotypical friends and family. Autism, 24(6), 1438–1448.
- Lear, J. T., Dorstyn, D.-S., Opozda, M. J., et al. (2026). Loneliness and social connection in autistic and/or ADHD males: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders.
- Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.
- American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.
- Lai, M.-C., Kassee, C., Besney, R., Bonato, S., Hull, L., Mandy, W., Szatmari, P., & Ameis, S. H. (2019). Prevalence of co-occurring mental health diagnoses in the autism population: A systematic review and meta-analysis. The Lancet Psychiatry, 6(10), 819–829.
This article is general information, not personal clinical advice.