Maybe anxiety took some of your best years. Panic attacks made going out feel impossible, your world got smaller, and the friends you had slowly drifted away. Perhaps you once opened up to someone you trusted about what you were going through, and it didn’t go well.
Now you’re older, things may feel a little steadier, and you’d like to have friends again. But the idea of reaching out brings back all the old fear. If that’s you, this post is for you. It’s possible to build friendships again, one small, manageable step at a time.
Key points
- Losing friends during a time of anxiety or agoraphobia is common, and it isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you.
- Fear of rejection makes sense after being hurt. It can ease with practice and support.
- Small, gradual steps work better than big leaps, for anxiety and for friendship.
- You get to choose when, how and whether to share your mental health story.
You’re not as alone as it feels
Loneliness is much more common than most people realise. In a national survey, nearly one in three Australians said they felt lonely.1 Many people in their twenties and thirties are quietly looking for connection too, especially after school, university or a hard few years.
When anxiety, panic or agoraphobia shapes your life, friendships often fade for practical reasons. You couldn’t go to the party, you cancelled plans, you stopped replying because explaining felt too hard. That isn’t a failure of character. It’s what anxiety does: it makes the world feel unsafe, so we pull back to stay safe. Over time, pulling back keeps the fear going and the circle gets smaller.
Panic and agoraphobia often go together. In a large US study, about a quarter of people who had experienced panic disorder had also developed agoraphobia, and this group tended to have the most severe symptoms.2 Anxiety and loneliness also feed each other. One study found that loneliness strongly predicted later anxiety, and anxiety added to loneliness too.3
So if you’re finding it hard to break out of isolation, it isn’t a personal failing. It’s a well-known cycle, and it can be interrupted.
When opening up didn’t go well
Few things hurt like trusting a close friend with something vulnerable and feeling them pull away. If that happened with a best friend, especially as a teenager, it can leave a deep mark. Your brain may have learned a simple, painful rule: “If I show people who I really am, they’ll leave.”
That rule made sense at the time. It was trying to protect you. But it’s worth gently looking at it again:
- One person’s response isn’t a verdict on you. Many teenagers don’t have the words or understanding to support a friend with a mental health condition. Their reaction may have been about their own fear or confusion.
- People change, and so do you. Adults are often far more understanding of anxiety than teenagers are, and many have their own experience of it.
- Being hurt once doesn’t mean it will always happen. It means you deserve to be careful about who you trust, and that’s a strength.
If you notice you react very strongly to any hint of rejection, such as a slow reply, a cancelled plan or a neutral tone, you might relate to our post on rejection sensitivity. Many people describe this as rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). It’s not a formal diagnosis, but it’s a very real experience, and it can be understood and eased.
Start smaller than you think
One of the most effective psychological treatment for panic disorder and agoraphobia is cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT).4 One key part is facing feared situations gradually, in small steps, until they feel manageable. The same approach can help you rebuild your social life.
Think of it as a ladder. Start on the step that feels a little uncomfortable but doable, stay there until it feels easier, then move up. Here’s an example. Yours might look different.
Join an online space around something you love
A forum, Discord server or group for a game, book, show, craft or cause. You can read and get a feel for it first, with no pressure to post.
Comment or reply now and then
Small, friendly contributions help people start to recognise you.
Message one person
Pick someone you’ve had a few nice exchanges with. Something simple: “I loved what you said about that. Have you read the sequel?”
Try a voice or video chat, or play a game together online
A shared activity takes the focus off talking.
Go to one structured activity in person
A class, a walking group, a board game night or volunteering. Structure means you don’t have to make conversation from nothing. Choose somewhere close to home, at a quieter time.
Suggest a short catch-up
A 30-minute coffee or a walk with someone you’ve met. Short and with a clear end time feels much safer than an open-ended night out.
Moving back down a step on a hard week is completely okay. It’s not starting over.
Friendship takes time, and that’s normal
One study found it takes roughly 40 to 60 hours together to become casual friends, around 80 to 100 hours to become friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends.5
That’s encouraging. It means a slow start isn’t a sign that it’s not working. Friendships grow through regular, ordinary time together, which is why returning to the same group or activity each week helps so much.
If anxiety shows up while you’re out
It might, especially at first. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. A few things can help:
- Have a plan before you go: know where you’ll sit, how you’ll get home, and that you can leave whenever you need to.
- Remind yourself: “This feeling is uncomfortable, but it isn’t dangerous, and it will pass.”
- Use a grounding skill: slow your breathing, feel your feet on the floor, or name five things you can see.
- Leaving early still counts. You went. That’s the step.
Sharing your story again, when you’re ready
You don’t owe anyone your full history, and you don’t have to share it early. Sharing personal things is one of the ways friendships deepen,6 but it works best when trust has had time to grow.
It can help to share in layers. Start with something small and practical, and notice how the person responds:
“I find crowded places a bit much, so could we try somewhere quieter?”
“I’ve had a rough few years with anxiety, but I’m doing much better now.”
A safe friend will respond with curiosity, kindness or a simple “That’s okay.” If someone reacts poorly, that tells you about their capacity, not your worth. You can step back and keep looking for your people.
Being kinder to the part of you that’s scared
The part of you that fears rejection has been trying to protect you. You don’t have to fight it. You can thank it, and still take the step. When the worried thoughts come, such as “they don’t really like me” or “I’m too much”, try asking: What’s the evidence? Is there another explanation? What would I say to someone I love who felt this way?
A slow reply is usually just a busy person. A cancelled plan is usually just life. And if someone isn’t the right fit, that’s part of how everyone finds their people.
When therapy can help
You don’t have to do this on your own. A psychologist can help you:
- work through panic and agoraphobia with CBT and gradual, supported exposure
- understand and ease rejection sensitivity and the hurt of past friendships
- plan your own social “ladder” and practise conversations in a safe space
- build self-compassion and confidence at your own pace
If leaving home is hard right now, you can start with telehealth from somewhere you feel safe, then move to in-person sessions in Wahroonga when you’re ready. With a Mental Health Treatment Plan from your GP, you may be eligible for a Medicare rebate. Read more about our therapy and support and support for adults.
Common questions
Is it too late to make friends in my late twenties or thirties?
Not at all. Many people build their closest friendships as adults, often through shared interests, work, study or community groups. It can take more intention than at school, but it’s very possible.
Should I tell new friends about my anxiety?
Only if and when you want to. Many people start with small, practical shares, such as preferring quieter places, and say more as trust grows. You’re in charge of your story.
What if I have a panic attack in front of someone?
It can feel frightening, but most people respond with more kindness than we expect. A simple “I’m feeling a bit anxious, I just need a minute” is enough. Panic peaks and passes, even when it doesn’t feel like it will.
Can I have therapy by telehealth if I find it hard to leave home?
Yes. Telehealth is a good way to start, and you can move to in-person sessions later, as part of your own gradual steps.
Keep reading
Ready for a small first step?
Reaching out can be the hardest part. You can book online, call us, or start with a free 15-minute call, by phone or from home.
Suite 4 & 5, 5 Redleaf Avenue, Wahroonga NSW 2076, and telehealth Australia-wide. Psychcare is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
References
- Ending Loneliness Together (2023). Social Connection in Australia 2023. Summary
- Kessler, R. C., Chiu, W. T., Jin, R., Ruscio, A. M., Shear, K. & Walters, E. E. (2006). The epidemiology of panic attacks, panic disorder, and agoraphobia in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication. Archives of General Psychiatry, 63(4), 415–424. Read the abstract
- McDowell, C. P., Meyer, J. D., Russell, D. W., Brower, C. S., Lansing, J. & Herring, M. P. (2021). Bidirectional associations between depressive and anxiety symptoms and loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 12, 738892. Read the article
- Open Arms – Veterans & Families Counselling. Treating panic disorder and agoraphobia. Read more. See also Andrews, G. et al. (2018). RANZCP clinical practice guidelines for the treatment of panic disorder, social anxiety disorder and generalised anxiety disorder. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 52(12), 1109–1172. Read the guideline
- Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend? Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296. University of Kansas summary
- Bedrov, A. & Gable, S. L. (2024). Just between us…: The role of sharing and receiving secrets in friendship across time. Personal Relationships, 31(1), 91–111.