“How are you feeling?” For most people, it’s a simple question. For some, it’s one of the hardest questions there is.
You might know something is going on inside. Your chest feels tight, your stomach feels heavy, or you just feel “off”. But when you try to put a name to it, nothing comes. If that sounds familiar, you may be experiencing something called alexithymia, and you are far from alone.
Three small steps that can help: notice, name, share.
Scan from head to toe. What do you feel, and where?
A rough guess is better than skipping it.
Change is slow, but it is possible. We’re here to help.
What is alexithymia?
Alexithymia means having difficulty identifying, understanding and describing your own emotions. It is not a mental illness or a personality disorder. It is a trait: a style of processing experience that sits on a spectrum, from mild to more pronounced.
It often shows up alongside depression, anxiety, autism, PTSD and chronic pain, but it can also exist on its own. People with alexithymia often describe:
- Feeling emotions but not being able to name them or work out why they are happening
- Reaching for vague words, like “I just feel off” rather than “I feel anxious”
- Preferring to focus on facts, events and practical details
- Noticing body sensations, such as a tight chest or heavy stomach, before noticing an emotion
- Feeling emotionally distant from others, or finding it hard to feel close
Why does it matter?
Emotions work like a signal system. They tell us when something matters, when we are safe or unsafe, and when a need is being met or missed. When those signals are hard to read, everyday life gets harder too. It becomes more difficult to:
- Tell others what you need
- Soothe difficult feelings
- Build close, trusting relationships
- Make decisions that feel true to who you are
Over time, this can leave people feeling disconnected, flat or overwhelmed, or unable to lift their mood, even when life is otherwise going well.
What helps?
There is no single “alexithymia pill” or one-size-fits-all therapy. The good news is that many different approaches can help, especially when they share four common ingredients:
- Learning about it. Understanding what alexithymia is and how it works.
- Emotion skills. Practising how to notice, name and sit with emotions.
- Body-focused work. Tuning in to physical sensations and linking them to feelings.
- A safe therapeutic relationship. A space where emotional language is modelled and there is room to practise.
Therapies that are often used include Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which is the most studied approach; mindfulness and “focusing” techniques, which connect body, mind and emotions; and Interpersonal Psychotherapy (IPT), which looks at how relationships shape our emotional lives.
Five strategies you can try at home
Small, regular practice tends to help more than big efforts. Pick one of these to start with.
1. Build an emotional vocabulary
Keep a simple feelings wheel on your phone or fridge. Start with six core emotions: happy, sad, angry, afraid, disgusted and surprised. When someone asks how you are, try picking a word from the wheel, even if it feels forced at first. Over time, add more specific words like frustrated, lonely, content, hopeful or ashamed.
2. Track emotions through your body
Twice a day, do a two-minute body scan. Notice your breathing, heart rate, jaw, shoulders, stomach and throat, and write down the sensation in one word: tight, heavy, fluttery, empty or buzzing. Over time, patterns appear. For example: “A tight stomach often comes with not wanting to talk.” This builds a bridge between body signals and emotional awareness.
3. Name it to tame it
When something happens, pause and fill in the gaps: “When ___ happened, I felt ___ in my ___.” It doesn’t need to be perfect. A rough guess is better than skipping it.
4. Switch your attention mindfully
Spend about 30 seconds looking around the room, 30 seconds noticing your breath, and 30 seconds noticing what your mind is saying. Moving between the outside world, your body and your thoughts builds the flexibility to catch emotions as they happen.
5. Journal facts first
Each day, write down three things that happened, then what your body was doing at the time. Later, look back and see whether an emotion word fits. Starting with facts takes the pressure off finding the “right” feeling straight away.
Building connection with others
Alexithymia can make relationships feel like a foreign language. A few small steps can help close the gap.
- Share your pattern. Try telling people you trust: “I find it hard to name feelings, so I might say ‘I don’t know’ a lot. Please be patient, and ask me what I noticed in my body instead.” This takes the pressure off and gives others a way in.
- Practise checking in. Ask a housemate or family member one small question a day, like “What’s one thing that went well today?”
- Start with shared interests. Friendships often grow around activities rather than deep conversations. Following a sports team, taking a class such as art or yoga, or joining a local interest group is a gentle way in.
- Set small goals. One short conversation a day, one text to someone a week, and one activity around other people each fortnight.
What to expect
Change is slow, but it is possible. Most people improve with consistent practice, especially when therapy, body awareness and real-world relationship practice are combined. Progress usually shows up in a predictable order: first noticing sensations, then naming feelings, and later sharing them with others.
You don’t need to become a highly emotional person. The goal is simply enough emotional awareness to communicate, connect and look after yourself.
Ready to Put Words to Your Feelings?
If this sounds like you, a psychologist can help you slow down and put words to what is happening inside, at a pace that feels right. Get in touch with Psychcare to book an appointment: https://psychcareclinic.com.au/psychcare-australia-booking-page/
If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 000. For 24-hour crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
