Big days come with big expectations. For neurodivergent people, and for anyone with a trauma history, they can also come with a lot of hidden load.
Christmas, Lunar New Year, Eid, Diwali, birthdays, weddings, funerals, school holidays and family reunions are often pictured as joyful. Many are. But they also tend to bring changed routines, more noise and people, unspoken rules and big feelings, all at once, with less time to recover.
If you’re ADHD, autistic, AuDHD or living with the effects of trauma, finding these times hard doesn’t mean you’re doing them wrong. It usually means the event wasn’t designed with your nervous system in mind. This guide offers practical, neuro-affirming ways to make holidays and big events work better for you and your family.
At a glance
- Big events stack up the things many neurodivergent people find hardest: uncertainty, sensory load, social demands and changed routines.
- Planning ahead, building in recovery time and choosing how long you stay can make a real difference.
- If services close over a holiday period, sort out medication and support before they do.
- A “good enough” event, where your wellbeing stays intact, is a good outcome.
Why holidays and big events take so much energy
- Christmas and New Year
- Lunar New Year
- Ramadan and Eid
- Diwali
- Birthdays
- Weddings
- Funerals
- School holidays
- Family reunions
- Travel
Different events, but they often share the same ingredients.
- Uncertainty. New places, changing plans and not knowing who’ll be there. A large review of the research found a strong link between finding uncertainty hard to tolerate and anxiety in autistic people.[1]
- Sensory load. Crowds, music, lights, cooking smells and unfamiliar food. Sensory differences are so common in autism that they’re part of how autism is described in the diagnostic manual.[2]
- Masking. Many neurodivergent people work hard to appear “fine” in social settings. Autistic adults describe this camouflaging as exhausting, and linked to anxiety and burnout.[3]
- Family history and grief. Gatherings can bring us close to people linked with old hurt, or highlight who’s missing. In a 2025 US poll about the holidays, the top worries were grief or missing a loved one (48%) and affording gifts (46%).[4]
- Lost routines. Sleep, meals, medication and quiet time often slip, just when you need them most.
What others might see
Quiet, irritable, “rude” for leaving early, picky with food, on their phone, or fine until suddenly they’re not.
What it can feel like inside
A full battery draining fast. Noise that won’t switch off. Hours of working out unwritten rules. Needing to leave before you fall apart.
1. Make it more predictable
Changes in routine are one of the biggest stressors. A little planning gives back some control.
- Map the event. Who will be there? How long? What will happen, and when? Ask the host if you don’t know. Photos of the venue can help too.
- Schedule recovery, not just events. Put downtime in the calendar like an appointment, before and after big days.
- Keep your anchors. Protect a few familiar routines, such as your usual breakfast, a walk, medication times or bedtime, even on the day itself.
- Chunk the jobs. Break shopping, cooking, packing or wrapping into short 10–20 minute sprints with breaks. Timers and lists help ADHD brains get started.
- Share the load. Ask others to bring a dish, do the shopping or host. You don’t have to do everything.
- Make an “if–then” plan. For example: “If I notice I’m getting overwhelmed, then I’ll go outside for 10 minutes.” Research shows simple if–then plans like this make it more likely we follow through.[5]
2. Manage the sensory and social load
When there’s too much input, stress can build into a meltdown, shutdown or a sharp reaction you didn’t intend. These ideas help lower the load.
Find a calm space
Choose a quiet, low-lit room at home. If you’re visiting, ask the host which room you can retreat to, or step outside or sit in the car for a break.
Pack a sensory kit
Noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs, sunglasses, a fidget, comfortable layers, a water bottle and a snack you like.
Eat on your terms
If textures or flavours are hard, bring a safe meal or snack. You don’t need to “just try a bit”. Eating something you’re comfortable with is better than going hungry.
Movement is allowed
Moving helps many people regulate. Offer to carry dishes, walk the dog, play with the kids outside or take a short walk.
Make gifts simpler
Gift planning and spending can be a big source of stress. Suggest a Secret Santa, a spending limit, one shared gift or an outing instead.
Boundary scripts you can borrow
Write a few short lines in advance and practise them. Having the words ready makes them easier to use under stress.
- “I’ll be heading off at 7.”
- “I’m going to step outside for a bit. I’ll be back.”
- “Big groups are tiring for me, but I’d love to hear about your trip.”
- “I’d rather not talk about that today.”
3. Feel safer if you have a trauma history
High emotions, unpredictability and close contact with family can bring old hurts back to the surface. Trauma-informed care is built on principles such as safety, choice and control.[6] You can bring those same principles into big events.
- Choose your time. Instead of “I can’t stay”, try “I’ll be there from 4 to 6:30.” This frames being there as your choice, with a limit you set.
- Have your own way out. Drive yourself, travel separately or know how you’ll get home. Knowing you can leave often makes it easier to stay.
- Plan for the hard conversation. If you’ll see someone who’s been hurtful, rehearse a short, neutral reply. Afterwards, move your body to release the tension: a brisk walk, stretching or shaking out your hands.
- Ground yourself. If you feel pulled into the past, try noticing 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell and 1 you can taste. Many people find this helps them come back to the present.
- Make room for grief. Holidays and anniversaries can bring loss closer. Lighting a candle, setting a place or sharing a story can honour someone you’re missing.
- Your feelings make sense. Feeling sad, flat or disconnected when everyone else seems happy is common. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a friend.
Supporting neurodivergent children and teens
- Preview the day. Use photos, a simple timeline or a visual schedule so they know what’s coming.
- Agree on a signal. Choose a word or gesture that means “I need a break”, and honour it.
- Share what helps. Let relatives know ahead of time that headphones, a tablet or a quiet corner are supports, not bad manners.
- Plan the after. Expect tiredness or big feelings the next day, and keep it quiet if you can.
If school holidays or family events are regularly hard, our children and teens team can help you plan.
When services close over the holidays
Many GPs, psychiatrists, pharmacies and therapists, including us, close or reduce hours over the main holiday periods. A little preparation means you’re not caught short.
- Check your medication. Make sure you have enough for at least a week beyond the date your GP or psychiatrist closes, and check you have repeats. Ask your pharmacist early if you’re running low. A note on the fridge or a phone alarm can help you remember to take it when routines change.
- Know your clinics’ dates. Ask your GP, psychiatrist and psychologist when they’ll be closed, and book a session before the break if it helps.
- Build your support crew. Save the names of two or three people you can call or text on a hard day, under an easy label like “My support crew”.
- Save the crisis numbers in your phone now, so they’re there if you need them.
- 000Emergency, if anyone is in immediate danger
- 1800 011 511NSW Mental Health Line, 24/7
- 13 11 14Lifeline, 24/7 (or text 0477 13 11 14)
- 1800 55 1800Kids Helpline, ages 5 to 25, 24/7
- 13 92 7613YARN, for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, 24/7
- 1800 184 527QLife, LGBTIQ+ peer support
Aim for “good enough”
You’re not aiming for a picture-perfect day. A good enough holiday or event is one where your mental health is still intact at the end of it.
- It’s OK to say no. Declining an invitation or leaving early is self-care, not failure.
- Spend time with your people. Prioritise people you can unmask with, and limit time with those who leave you drained.
- Celebrate your way. A quiet day, a walk, a favourite movie or a small gathering counts.
Common questions
Why do I crash after a big event, even a good one?
Even enjoyable events use a lot of energy, especially if you’ve been masking, managing sensory input or reading social cues for hours. Feeling flat, tired or teary afterwards is common. Plan a quiet day or two to recover.
Is it rude to leave early?
Not if you’ve planned it. Letting the host know when you’ll be leaving, and thanking them as you go, is polite. Staying past your limit often ends worse for everyone.
Should I tell my family I’m neurodivergent?
That’s your choice, and there’s no right answer. Some people share their diagnosis; others just share what helps, such as “I need breaks in big groups”. A psychologist can help you work out what feels safe.
What if holidays are hard because of family conflict or past trauma?
You’re not alone in that. It’s OK to change traditions, spend the day differently or limit contact. Therapy can help you process what comes up and plan for future events.
Keep reading
Want support before the next big event?
We can help you understand what drains you, plan for holidays and big events, and work through what comes up with family. We offer neuro-affirming therapy in Wahroonga and by telehealth. Book online, call us, or start with a free 15-minute chat.
(02) 9037 3509Suite 4 & 5, 5 Redleaf Avenue, Wahroonga NSW 2076. Telehealth Australia-wide. Psychcare is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Sources
- Jenkinson, R., Milne, E., & Thompson, A. (2020). The relationship between intolerance of uncertainty and anxiety in autism: A systematic literature review and meta-analysis. Autism, 24(8), 1933–1944.
- American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). American Psychiatric Association Publishing.
- Hull, L., Petrides, K. V., Allison, C., Smith, P., Baron-Cohen, S., Lai, M.-C., & Mandy, W. (2017). “Putting on my best normal”: Social camouflaging in adults with autism spectrum conditions. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 47(8), 2519–2534.
- American Psychiatric Association. (2025, November 18). Americans more anxious about the holidays [Healthy Minds Monthly poll].
- Gollwitzer, P. M., & Sheeran, P. (2006). Implementation intentions and goal achievement: A meta-analysis of effects and processes. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 69–119.
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). SAMHSA’s concept of trauma and guidance for a trauma-informed approach (HHS Publication No. SMA 14-4884).
This article is general information, not personal clinical or medical advice. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist about your medication.