Relationships can be the best part of life. They can also be the most confusing.
Whether it’s a partner, a family member or a friend, connecting with other people takes energy, skill and a fair bit of trial and error. The good news is that the skills involved can be learned, at any age. Here are seven practical ways to feel more connected, from a psychologist’s point of view, plus some small habits that make a big difference.
At a glance
- Strong relationships are linked with better health and a longer life.
- Knowing yourself, managing stress and communicating clearly are the foundations.
- Small habits, like how you respond to good news or putting your phone away, matter more than grand gestures.
- Misunderstandings go both ways. People with different brains often communicate differently, and that’s nobody’s fault.
Why relationships matter so much
Connection isn’t just nice to have. A large review of 148 studies found that people with stronger social relationships had about a 50% greater chance of survival over the study periods than people with weaker ones.[1] Good relationships help us cope with stress, recover from setbacks and feel we belong.
That doesn’t mean you need lots of people. For many people, one or two relationships where they feel safe and understood matter far more than a big social circle.
7 ways to build stronger relationships
- Get to know yourself. Notice your values, what drains and refuels you, and patterns from past relationships or your family. Understanding why you react the way you do makes it easier to respond, not just react. Therapy is a good place to explore this.
- Look after your stress. Stress and anxiety leak into relationships as irritability, withdrawal or snapping. Breaks, movement, sleep, mindfulness and noticing early body signals all help. A psychologist can help you find what works for you.
- Say what you mean, kindly. Be clear and direct about what you need: “I’d love some quiet time after work, then let’s talk.” Use “I” statements rather than blame. If you’re not sure what someone meant, ask rather than guess.
- Listen to understand. Let the other person finish, reflect back what you heard (“So you felt left out?”), and ask before giving advice. Feeling heard is often more important than the solution.
- Celebrate their good news. How we respond when someone shares good news matters. Showing genuine interest and enthusiasm (“That’s great! Tell me how it happened”) is linked with closer, more satisfying relationships.[2]
- Be kind to them, and to yourself. Try to see situations from the other person’s side. And go easy on yourself too: people who are more self-compassionate tend to be described by their partners as more caring and accepting.[3]
- Repair, don’t keep score. Every relationship has ruptures. What matters is coming back: “I’m sorry I snapped. Can we try again?” Letting go of old grudges, when it’s safe to, makes room for the relationship to grow.
Small habits that make a big difference
Make regular time
Connection needs time. A regular walk, meal or call keeps relationships going without having to plan from scratch each time.
Put the phone away
Being “phubbed” (snubbed for a phone) is linked with more conflict and lower relationship satisfaction.[4] Phones away at meals is a simple place to start.
Say thank you, specifically
“Thanks for picking up the kids. It gave me time to breathe” lands better than a general thanks.
Set healthy boundaries
Boundaries protect relationships. Saying “I can’t talk tonight, can we chat tomorrow?” is kinder than saying yes and resenting it.
If you’re autistic, ADHD or AuDHD
Much relationship advice is written for neurotypical brains. Researchers describe a “double empathy problem”: when people with different neurotypes communicate, misunderstandings go both ways, rather than one person lacking social skills.[5] Your way of connecting is valid.
For practical, neuro-affirming tips on making, keeping and sustaining friendships, read Making and Keeping Friends When You’re Autistic, ADHD or AuDHD.
When to get support
It may be worth talking to a psychologist if you keep running into the same problems, feel lonely even around people, find conflict overwhelming, or past experiences make it hard to trust. Therapy is a safe place to understand your patterns and practise new ways of connecting. You don’t need the other person to come along for it to help.
At Psychcare, we offer counselling and psychotherapy and neuro-affirming therapy in Wahroonga and by telehealth.
Common questions
Can therapy help my relationships if the other person won’t come?
Yes. When one person changes how they communicate, set boundaries or manage stress, the whole relationship often shifts. Individual therapy can also help you work out what you want from the relationship.
Is it normal for friendships to fade?
Yes. Friendships change with life stages, moves, work and energy. Some fade naturally, and that’s OK. If you’d like to reconnect, a short, low-pressure message is a good start.
What if I find relationships hard because of past hurt?
That makes sense. Past experiences shape how safe closeness feels. Trauma-informed therapy can help you understand those patterns gently and at your own pace.
Keep reading
Want to feel more connected?
If relationships feel hard right now, you don’t have to work it out alone. We can help you understand your patterns and build connections that feel good for you. Book online, call us, or start with a free 15-minute chat.
(02) 9037 3509Suite 4 & 5, 5 Redleaf Avenue, Wahroonga NSW 2076. Telehealth Australia-wide. Psychcare is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Sources
- Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.
- Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 228–245.
- Neff, K. D., & Beretvas, S. N. (2013). The role of self-compassion in romantic relationships. Self and Identity, 12(1), 78–98.
- Roberts, J. A., & David, M. E. (2016). My life has become a major distraction from my cell phone: Partner phubbing and relationship satisfaction among romantic partners. Computers in Human Behavior, 54, 134–141.
- Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
This article is general information, not personal clinical advice.