“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”
Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection[1]
Most of us long to fit in and be accepted. But for many neurodivergent people, fitting in comes at a cost. Often it’s only later, when depression, anxiety, relationship struggles or exhaustion set in, that they realise how much they’ve been hiding.
This post explores what neurodiversity really means, how years of not fitting in can leave lasting hurt, and seven ways to start healing as your authentic self.
At a glance
- Fitting in means changing yourself to be accepted. Belonging means being accepted as you are.
- Neurodiversity sees ADHD, autism and other differences as natural variations of the human brain, not defects.
- Years of being misunderstood, excluded or masking can be traumatic. Healing is possible, and it often starts with self-understanding and safe relationships.
Fitting in isn’t the same as belonging
According to Brené Brown, true belonging only happens when we show our authentic, imperfect selves to the world.[2] Belonging is a funny thing. We want to be part of something bigger than ourselves, and we also want to be free to be who we are. Brown argues that authenticity is at the heart of belonging, and that it’s essential for healthy relationships and happiness.
It can be disheartening when doctors, psychologists and other professionals describe neurological differences only as problems. In her book Divergent Mind, writer Jenara Nerenberg challenges the traditional medical view that treats these differences as deficits, rather than as valuable variations of the human brain.[3]
Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett makes a related point in Seven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. She explains that every brain builds its experience of the world from its own past and culture, so no two people experience the world in exactly the same way. Variation between brains isn’t the exception. It’s the norm.[4] Different minds bring different perspectives, and that’s something to value.
So, what is neurodiversity?
Neurodiversity is the idea that human brains naturally vary, and that this variation is valuable. The idea was developed collectively by autistic and neurodivergent people in online communities in the 1990s. It was long credited to one person, but recent research shows it grew from many voices in the community.[5]
Here’s an important idea. Autistic people aren’t lacking in empathy or social ability, as was once widely believed. Instead, misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people tend to go both ways, a bit like misunderstandings between two cultures. Researcher Damian Milton called this the “double empathy problem” in 2012.[6]
Research supports this. In a 2020 study, information passed between autistic people was shared just as well as between non-autistic people. Details were lost faster in mixed autistic and non-autistic groups, and rapport was lower.[7]
Today, neurodiversity includes ADHD, dyslexia, Tourette’s and other brain differences, not just autism. It moves us away from seeing these differences as problems to fix. Many of the struggles come from environments that don’t accommodate difference. Often, it’s not the person who needs to change, but the environment.
A respectful debate
Not everyone agrees on the term. In 2019, autism researcher Simon Baron-Cohen wrote that neurodiversity is dividing the autism community.[8] Some parents of people with high support needs prefer a medical approach focused on treatment. Many autistic advocates worry that research aimed at “preventing” or “curing” autism could erase autistic people altogether, an echo of eugenics.
It’s also worth knowing that some early autism research, including ideas that autistic people lack “theory of mind” or empathy, has since been strongly challenged. Those ideas contributed to misconceptions and stigma. The double empathy research offers a fairer, more accurate picture.
Understanding neurodivergent trauma
Trauma is usually described as an event, or series of events, that feels harmful or overwhelming and has lasting effects on a person’s wellbeing.[9] It can leave people feeling unsafe, helpless and disconnected from others.
For neurodivergent people, trauma often comes in layers. It can include serious harm like abuse or violence. But it can also include quieter, ongoing experiences: being excluded, bullied, misunderstood or told you’re “too much”. A study of autistic adults found that many developed trauma symptoms after events that wouldn’t meet the usual definition of trauma, such as social and other everyday experiences.[10]
Late diagnosis can add another layer. Many people diagnosed with ADHD or autism as adults look back and see years of struggle in a new light. One large study found that autistic adults diagnosed at 21 or older were 2.7 times more likely to report co-occurring mood, anxiety, personality or eating disorders than those diagnosed in childhood. Missed and mistaken diagnoses may both play a part.[11]
This layered hurt isn’t just about big, dramatic moments. The daily grind of feeling different and disconnected matters too. Recognising it is an important step towards healing.
7 ways to embrace neurodiversity and heal from trauma
- Learn about yourself. Neurodiversity-affirming books, websites and neurodivergent peers can help you understand yourself. By reading this, you’re already on your way. Some places to start:
- Reframing Autism, an Australian organisation led by autistic people, with resources for individuals, families and professionals.
- The study Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective.
- Build self-understanding and self-acceptance. Notice and celebrate your strengths and the natural ways your brain works. Understanding your neurotype deeply can help you build a positive identity.
- Remember the world wasn’t designed for you. Many struggles come from environments that don’t fit neurodivergent brains. Advocate for yourself, and gently question the inner critic that has absorbed society’s ableism. Yes, there are challenges. But you are not disordered or defective.
- Get comfortable in your own skin. Explore your sensory preferences, such as textures, sounds, light and movement. Adjust your spaces where you can, so everyday life feels easier.
- You don’t have to mask all the time. Masking, hiding or changing your natural ways of being, often starts as a way to cope and stay safe. Autistic researcher Wenn Lawson describes it as “adaptive morphing”, a response that isn’t necessarily chosen.[12] But masking is consistently linked with anxiety, depression, exhaustion and burnout.[13] Look for people and places where you can be yourself.
- Connect on your terms. Choose connections that respect your social preferences and boundaries. Quality matters more than quantity. Healing from years of disconnection often starts with safe relationships, with people who understand your strengths and struggles without judgement. Ask us for our Allies Manifesto and our letter on neurodiversity-affirming language to share with your support network.
- Seek trauma-informed, culturally sensitive support. Look for professionals who understand neurodivergence and use trauma-informed approaches. Your neurodivergence is part of who you are. Support can help you navigate challenges and heal from past hurt.
How Psychcare can help
- Neuro-affirming therapy. Support for masking, burnout, self-acceptance and identity. See neuro-affirming therapy.
- Healing trauma. Trauma-informed therapy, including EMDR, adapted for neurodivergent minds.
- Understanding yourself. Neuro-affirming ADHD and autism assessments, including AuDHD, for children, teens and adults.
- Culturally sensitive care. We consider your culture, family and community, not just your symptoms.
Sessions are available at our Wahroonga clinic or by telehealth anywhere in Australia.
Common questions
Is neurodivergence a diagnosis?
No. Neurodivergent is a broad, non-medical term for brains that work differently from what’s considered typical. It can include ADHD, autism, dyslexia and more. A diagnosis can be helpful for understanding and support, but you don’t need one to explore neurodiversity.
Can everyday experiences really be traumatic?
Yes. Ongoing exclusion, bullying, being misunderstood or constantly masking can have a lasting impact, even without one big event. If it affects how you feel and live, it’s worth support.
Is masking always bad?
Not always. Masking can help people stay safe or get through hard situations. The problem is when it’s constant and there’s nowhere you can rest and be yourself.
Do I need a diagnosis to start therapy?
No. You can start therapy at any time. If you’d like to understand whether ADHD or autism is part of your story, an assessment can help.
Keep reading
You don’t have to heal alone
Whether you’re newly exploring your neurodivergence or carrying years of hurt, we’re here to help, at your pace. Book online, call us, or start with a free 15-minute chat.
(02) 9037 3509Suite 4 & 5, 5 Redleaf Avenue, Wahroonga NSW 2076. Telehealth Australia-wide. Psychcare is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Sources
- Brown, B. (2010). The gifts of imperfection. Hazelden.
- Brown, B. (2017). Braving the wilderness: The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. Random House.
- Nerenberg, J. (2020). Divergent mind: Thriving in a world that wasn’t designed for you. HarperOne.
- Barrett, L. F. (2020). Seven and a half lessons about the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
- Botha, M., Chapman, R., Giwa Onaiwu, M., Kapp, S. K., Stannard Ashley, A., & Walker, N. (2024). The neurodiversity concept was developed collectively: An overdue correction on the origins of neurodiversity theory. Autism.
- Milton, D. E. M. (2012). On the ontological status of autism: The “double empathy problem”. Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
- Crompton, C. J., Ropar, D., Evans-Williams, C. V. M., Flynn, E. G., & Fletcher-Watson, S. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism, 24(7), 1704–1712.
- Baron-Cohen, S. (2019). The concept of neurodiversity is dividing the autism community. Scientific American.
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2014). SAMHSA’s concept of trauma and guidance for a trauma-informed approach.
- Rumball, F., Happé, F., & Grey, N. (2020). Experience of trauma and PTSD symptoms in autistic adults: Risk of PTSD development following DSM-5 and non-DSM-5 traumatic life events. Autism Research, 13(12), 2122–2132.
- Jadav, N., & Bal, V. H. (2022). Associations between co-occurring conditions and age of autism diagnosis. Autism Research, 15(11), 2112–2125.
- Lawson, W. B. (2020). Adaptive morphing and coping with social threat in autism: An autistic perspective. Journal of Intellectual Disability – Diagnosis and Treatment, 8(3), 519–526.
- Cook, J., Hull, L., Crane, L., & Mandy, W. (2021). Camouflaging in autism: A systematic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 89, 102080.
This article is general information, not personal clinical advice.