Childhood Trauma and You
Going through traumatic experiences is part of life but when that trauma occurs very early in life it can change the way the brain works. In these cases the person involved adapts to their circumstances by becoming hyper aware of danger. This can cause someone to be irritable, easy to overwhelm, prone to overreaction and less able to connect with others. This is because their brains are stuck in “survival mode” even when in a safe environment and what in nature would be an adaptive response to ongoing danger becomes unsuitable in modern day life.
How Trauma Affects Your Relationships
There is a complex interaction between trauma and attachment. Often people with trauma have poor relationships with others and this is due to what psychologists call “attachment styles” ; these dictate how we relate to other people and they are typically based upon our early experiences. Basically as we grow up our caregivers teach us how the world works and how other people will treat us. However, sometimes these lessons are wrong and they teach us ways of being unhealthy can cause a lifetime of poor relationships. There are four main kinds of attachment style; secure, disorganised, dismissive or avoidant and preoccupied or anxious ambivalent though in general these should be taken more as guidelines rather than strict categories that stay the same over time and don’t change depending on the relationship.
The Attachment Styles
Secure
A secure attachment style arises under ideal circumstances. When you have parents (or other caregivers) who are consistent, loving and who provide the correct boundaries you develop a belief that you are worthy of love and can trust other people whilst still retaining a strong sense of agency.
Disorganised
A disorganised attachment style occurs when caregivers are frightening, violent and unpredictable. This style lends itself to mood swings with partners and inconsistent behaviour due to a deep desire to connect with others combined with the fear that they will inevitably hurt you.
Dismissive
A Dismissive or avoidant attachment style arises when a caregiver is often absent or uninterested. This style results in someone who prefers to remain detached from others, often having short term relationships and being irritated or confused with people who want deeper emotional intimacy.
Anxious Ambivalent
Preoccupied or anxious attachment occurs when a caregiver is inconsistent and demonstrates many different behaviours and attitudes over the course of childhood leaving you confused or insecure about others. This type of person is generally perceived as needy and may require constant affirmation or reassurance and may overreact to perceived threats to a relationship.
All hope is not lost!
However despite all this it is possible to recover and live a healthy happy life. There is no one size fits all treatment for this sort of trauma however Psychiatrist Dr Bruce Berry has found that for trauma healing to work it needs to be relational, relevant, repetitive, rewarding, rhythmic and respectful, otherwise known as the 6Rs.
The good news is that with therapy and secure relationships it is possible to re-teach yourself how to interact with others and develop a healthier way of attaching to people.
Ultimately safety is what is important in recovering from long term trauma. Only once you feel safe can you come to terms with traumatic memories and integrate them into your sense of self without letting them overwhelm the positive things in your life. This is why it’s vital to build a safe space in therapy to ensure that someone with childhood trauma can feel comfortable and able to share their experiences without being overwhelmed or unsure.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base : parent-child attachment and healthy human development (pp 119-136). Basic Books.
Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal exercises for safety and connection:50 client centred practices (first edition) W.W Norton & Company
Crittenden & Claussen, A. H. (2000). The organisation of attachment relationships: maturation, culture and context. Cambridge University Press.
Fisher (2007) Psychoeducational aids for working with psychological trauma. Psychological flip chart. Centre for integrative healing.
Hesse, E (2008). The Adult Attachment Interview: Protocol, method of analysis and empirical studies in J. Cassidy and P. Shaver (EDS.), Handbook of attachment:Theory, research and clinical applications (2nd ed., pp. 552-598). New York and London: Guildford Press
Kathy Perry (2014): Rhythm Regulates the Brain Retrieved from https://attachmentdisorderhealing.com/developmental-trauma-3/
McLean, S. (2013). Attachment Theory: From concept to support for children in out of home care. In F. Amey & D. Scott (eds.), Working with vulnerable families: A partnership approach (2nd ed) (pp.194-212). Melbourne: Cambridge University Press.
Porges, S. W. (2017) The pocket guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W.W Norton & Company
Siegel. (1999). The developing mind: towards a neurobiology of interpersonal experience. Guildford Press. Winnicott, D.W. (2005) Playing and Reality (2nd ed.) Routledge