(Happy Friendship Day!!!)
Friendship is important to most people and establishing high quality friendships is an experience of great value across the whole lifespan. Evidence suggests that people with high quality friendships experience a much improved quality of life and increased self confidence. But what is high quality friendship?
What makes a bad friend and what do you do when you find them?
I’m sure we all know that despite loving them, not all friends are made equal in terms of the emotional support they provide and in how equal the relationship is. Sometimes it can be difficult to notice if a relationship is one sided or not healthy especially if you have a hard time making friends. High quality friends are the ones who will, for example, help you move and listen to your problems happily, and you would do the same for them. The ones who stick with you when times are tough and when things are not fun or easy. Sometimes having friends who wouldn’t do these things for you is fine as long as you enjoy their company but it’s also important to keep in mind that someone can be a fun, perhaps even generous person without being a good friend and it’s essential to know the difference and keep that in mind when you value your time and energy. This is especially true as the quality of friendships typically matter more than the number. It’s also important to note that it’s not embarrassing to have to put effort into making and maintaining friendships where others may find it easy. Similarly, you don’t have to settle for bad friendships if you have trouble finding your people naturally. There are plenty of options to make friends as an adult (or kid) including sports teams, interest groups, online forums and even friendship apps.
It’s okay not to have a best friend
The nature of friendship differs from person to person and can change over time. However there are general trends that psychologists have observed, for example children under 12-14, especially girls, place a lot of emphasis on having a designated best friend who you always hang out with and those without such a designated friend often feel left out. This can cause a lot of emotional turmoil for these children as they navigate the anxiety of losing their bestie to someone else and maintaining the status quo. Teenagers shift to having larger more fluid friend groups that are typically based around social status and mutual aid. Once in adulthood friendships change again and the social status of a prospective friend is less important and their character becomes more important. Similarly, “friendship breakups” become more common as it is more acceptable to stop interacting with a toxic or otherwise unpleasant person regardless of their other qualities and people grow apart as they spend less time together. If you find yourself not having as many friends as you would like try to remember that you aren’t alone and that there are lots of people out there looking for new friends despite how it may seem. So put yourself out there! Try new things! If you’re patient, don’t try to force anything and participate in activities you enjoy with other people, then friendship will come. It’s easy to feel lonely when transitioning from highschool to university and from university to working life but here’s the secret most other people feel the same way and you can take action yourself to make friends and build relationships. As I stated earlier whilst some people do make friends more easily than others and it can feel bad if that isn’t you, making friends is like any skill and if you practice you get better. So be brave and be patient and most of all be kind to yourself and others, if you do all that you’ll find friends more easily than you think.
Telling secrets will save your friendships
Friendships can be strengthened or improved in a lot of ways. There are the obvious examples including spending time together, developing similar interests (naturally, don’t force it people can usually tell when you’re doing it) and putting effort into being a good friend. There are also less obvious or more instinctual ways we all make friends including secret sharing. Sharing personal secrets is one way that people convey their importance to one another. The subtle indication is that the one who is receiving the secret is a trustworthy person that the secret giver values. However if the relationship isn’t close to begin with sharing secrets can be off putting and indicate a social unawareness that can stop a friendship before it starts. Similarly, miscommunication can mean that something that was intended to be a secret is not received as such or something that wasn’t intended to be a secret is perceived to be one. That’s why it’s important to be clear when sharing secrets that this is what you are doing and vice-versa. It’s also important to be aware that just because you feel close to someone does not mean they feel the same way and you should make sure that the other person is willing, and worthy, to be told private information about yourself. As a side note whilst telling secondhand secrets, secrets about other people, can seem like a good way to become close to someone it can also make you seem untrustworthy as well as upset the person who told you the secret. Ultimately if someone told you a secret it means they probably consider you a close friend or an otherwise trustworthy person and you should take that into account in the way you behave and clarify if you aren’t sure if something is a secret or not. Whilst it might be a little uncomfortable it can help define your friendship and make sure you don’t upset someone who’s just indicated they value you as a person.
References
Bedrov, A., & Gable, S. L. (2024). Just between us…: The role of sharing and receiving secrets in friendship across time. Personal Relationships, 31(1), 91–111. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12527
Benish‐Weisman, M. (2024). “Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are:” The contribution of peers to adolescents’ values. Child Development Perspectives. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12510
Costello, M. A., Allen, J. P., Womack, S. R., Loeb, E. L., Stern, J. A., & Pettit, C. (2023). Characterizing Emotional Support Development: From Adolescent Best Friendships to Young Adult Romantic Relationships. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 33(2), 389–403. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12809
Forsberg, C. (2023). The need to belong: Girls’ trajectory perspectives on friendship forming in the school setting. Children & Society, 37(4), 1218–1232. https://doi.org/10.1111/chso.12725
Luijten, C. C., Bongardt, D., & Nieboer, A. P. (2023). Adolescents’ friendship quality and over‐time development of well‐being: The explanatory role of self‐esteem. Journal of Adolescence (London, England.), 95(5), 1057–1069. https://doi.org/10.1002/jad.12175
Marriott, H. R., & Pitardi, V. (2024). One is the loneliest number… Two can be as bad as one. The influence of AI Friendship Apps on users’ well‐being and addiction. Psychology & Marketing, 41(1), 86–101. https://doi.org/10.1002/mar.21899