Some friends leave you feeling lighter. Others leave you drained, unsure of yourself, or doing all the work. Most of us have had both.
So how do you tell a good friendship from one that isn’t good for you, and what can you do about it? This guide looks at the signs of a healthy friendship, why quality matters more than numbers, how friendships change as we grow, and how to build connections that fit the way you’re wired.
At a glance
- A good friendship feels mutual, safe and mostly easy to be yourself in.
- A few close, supportive friends matter more than having many.[1]
- Disagreements aren’t always a bad sign. Working through them together can make a friendship stronger.
- Friendships naturally change from childhood to adulthood, and some endings are healthy.
- Making friends is a skill, not a personality test. It’s okay if it takes effort.
Good friends vs not-so-good friends
No friendship is perfect, and everyone has off days. It’s the overall pattern that matters. Here are some signs to look for.
Signs of a good friendship
- It feels two-way: you both make plans, listen and check in.
- You can be yourself, including your quirks and your bad days.
- They’re there when things are hard, not just when they’re fun.
- They respect your “no” and your need for space.
- Disagreements can be talked through and repaired.
- You usually feel the same or better after seeing them.
Signs it may not be good for you
- You do most of the reaching out, listening or giving.
- You feel tense, small or “on guard” around them.
- They share your private information with others.
- They make fun of things that matter to you, or pressure you to change.
- They’re only around when they need something.
- You often feel worse, or doubt yourself, after seeing them.
Someone can be fun, generous or interesting without being a close friend. That’s okay. Not every friendship needs to be deep. Knowing the difference helps you decide where to put your time and energy.
Why quality matters more than numbers
It’s easy to feel you “should” have a big group of friends. Research suggests the quality of friendships matters more. In one study, teenagers with higher-quality friendships developed better wellbeing over time, partly because those friendships supported their self-esteem.[1]
One or two people who really get you can make a real difference to how you feel about yourself and the world.
How friendships change as we grow
Children
Children often care a lot about having one best friend. Losing a “bestie”, or not having one, can feel huge, and the need to belong is strong at school.[2]
Teenagers
Teens often move to larger, shifting friend groups. Close friendships in these years are where young people practise the emotional support they’ll later bring to adult relationships.[3] Friends can even shape the values teens hold.[4]
Adults
Adults tend to choose friends more for character and shared values. People also drift apart as life changes, and “friendship breakups” become more common. That isn’t failure. It’s often a sign you know what you need.
Big transitions, such as starting high school, university or a new job, moving suburbs or becoming a parent, can feel lonely. Most people around you feel the same, even if it doesn’t look that way.
Trust, sharing and secrets
Sharing something personal is one of the ways friendships grow closer. Telling someone a secret signals that you trust and value them, and receiving one can strengthen a friendship over time.[5] A few things help:
- Go at the friendship’s pace. Very personal sharing early on can feel like a lot for the other person.
- Be clear when something is private. Saying “this is just between us” avoids misunderstandings.
- Keep other people’s secrets. Passing on someone else’s private news may feel like bonding, but it usually costs trust.
- Notice what it means when a friend confides in you. It’s a sign they value you.
Friendship when you’re neurodivergent
If you’re autistic, ADHD or both, friendship can look different, and different isn’t wrong. For many neurodivergent people, a good friendship might mean:
- Time side by side, without needing to talk
- Bonding over a shared deep interest
- Direct, honest communication
- Understanding when you need recovery time
- No guilt for a late reply
Masking to fit in can make friendships exhausting. And if criticism or feeling left out hits especially hard, you may relate to our post on rejection sensitivity. The best friendships are the ones where you don’t have to pretend.
When to repair, and when to let it go
Disagreements don’t mean a friendship is failing. Differences in opinion are normal, and many conflicts turn out to be a miscommunication. What matters most is whether you’re both willing to work through it.
In fact, repair is often what brings people closer. When you share how you feel, your friend really listens and then does something different, you learn something powerful: this person cares, and we can get through hard moments together.
Signs it’s worth repairing
- It was a one-off, or a misunderstanding.
- You’re both willing to talk about it.
- They listen when you share how you feel.
- They apologise and make a real change, not just say sorry.
- You can see your own part in it too.
- There’s a history of care and good times between you.
Signs it may be time to let go
- The same hurt keeps happening, even after you’ve talked.
- They dismiss, mock or turn your feelings around on you.
- You’re always the one fixing things.
- You feel unsafe, controlled or put down.
- You consistently feel worse after seeing them.
- You’ve grown in very different directions, and that’s okay.
How to repair after a disagreement
Give it a little space first
It’s hard to listen when you’re upset. Wait until you both feel calmer, then suggest a time to talk.Share how you felt, not what they did wrong
“I felt left out when I found out about the weekend” lands much better than “You always leave me out.”Listen to understand
Ask what it was like for them. It may have been a misunderstanding, or they may have been going through something you didn’t know about.Own your part
Even a small “I can see how my message came across” helps the other person feel safe to do the same.Agree on what will be different
Repair isn’t just the conversation. Trust grows when you both follow through.
Writing it down is okay
If talking face to face feels too hard, it’s fine to start with a message or a letter. Many people, especially neurodivergent people, find it easier to say what they mean in writing. And if one disagreement makes you feel the whole friendship is over, that might be rejection sensitivity talking. It can help to pause before deciding what it means.
Letting go kindly
Sometimes, even with good intentions, a friendship isn’t good for you anymore. You don’t have to end it dramatically. You can see someone less often, keep things lighter, or step back gently.
Choosing to let go of a friendship that keeps hurting you is a healthy choice, even when it’s sad. It makes room for friendships where you feel safe and valued.
Making new friends, at any age
Some people make friends easily. For others it takes more effort, and that’s not embarrassing. It’s a skill that gets easier with practice.
- Join something you enjoy that meets regularly. A sports team, art class, choir, gaming group, walking group or volunteering. Seeing the same people again and again is how friendships form.
- Find your people online. Look for communities built around your interests, including neurodivergent-led groups.
- Take small steps. Suggest a coffee, a walk or a shared activity, and let it build slowly.
- Be thoughtful about AI “friend” apps. Research suggests they can affect wellbeing and be hard to put down, so they’re best as an extra, not a replacement for people.[6]
Be patient and kind to yourself. Friendship usually grows from shared time, not from trying to force it.
When it might help to talk to someone
A psychologist can help if loneliness is affecting your mood, social anxiety is holding you back, a friendship ending has hit hard, or your child is struggling with friendships or bullying at school.
- Explore what you need from friendships.
- Practise social skills in a way that suits your brain.
- Work through hurt from past relationships.
Learn more about our support for children and teens, therapy for adults and neuro-affirming therapy.
Common questions
Is it normal to have only one or two close friends?
Yes. Many people have a small number of close friends and a wider circle of people they see now and then. What matters most is how supported you feel, not how many friends you have.
Is it okay not to have a best friend?
Absolutely. Best friendships matter a lot to some children, but many adults have several good friends instead of one “best” one. Different friends can meet different needs.
We had a big argument. Is the friendship over?
Not necessarily. Many friendships come through a falling-out stronger, especially when both people listen, own their part and make changes. If you both want to repair it, give it a little time, then reach out to talk it through.
How do I end a friendship kindly?
It depends on the friendship. Sometimes you can simply see each other less. If you’ve been close, a short, honest message, such as “I’ve been feeling we’ve grown apart and I need to step back,” is often kinder than disappearing.
My child has no friends at school. What can I do?
Talk with your child and their teacher about what’s happening, and look for small groups or activities built around your child’s interests. If it continues or your child seems unhappy, a child psychologist can help. Start with a free 15-minute call.
Keep reading
Want to talk it through?
Whether it’s loneliness, a friendship that hurts, or helping your child connect, we’re here to help. Book online, call us, or start with a free 15-minute chat.
(02) 9037 3509Suite 4 & 5, 5 Redleaf Avenue, Wahroonga NSW 2076. Telehealth Australia-wide. Psychcare is not an emergency service. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call 000 or contact Lifeline on 13 11 14.
Sources
- Luijten, C. C., van de Bongardt, D., & Nieboer, A. P. (2023). Adolescents’ friendship quality and over-time development of well-being: The explanatory role of self-esteem. Journal of Adolescence, 95(5), 1057–1069.
- Forsberg, C. (2023). The need to belong: Girls’ trajectory perspectives on friendship forming in the school setting. Children & Society, 37(4), 1218–1232.
- Costello, M. A., Allen, J. P., Womack, S. R., Loeb, E. L., Stern, J. A., & Pettit, C. (2023). Characterizing emotional support development: From adolescent best friendships to young adult romantic relationships. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 33(2), 389–403.
- Benish-Weisman, M. (2024). “Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are”: The contribution of peers to adolescents’ values. Child Development Perspectives.
- Bedrov, A., & Gable, S. L. (2024). Just between us…: The role of sharing and receiving secrets in friendship across time. Personal Relationships, 31(1), 91–111.
- Marriott, H. R., & Pitardi, V. (2024). One is the loneliest number… Two can be as bad as one. The influence of AI friendship apps on users’ well-being and addiction. Psychology & Marketing, 41(1), 86–101.
This article is general information, not personal clinical advice.